Logan Daily News

Net Watch
by Bob Green

Silent evil cyclops, expressionless . . . one imagines it hiding a smug grin. The computer wins once again. Time to slink away and find the bottle of aspirins. As anybody that works with computers can tell you, these machines can be incredibly frustrating. While this is a weekly column about the Internet, it's important to note that you can't get there unless your computer is willing to cooperate. A computer is nothing more than a complex machine made of steel and circuit boards and wires and glass. It's an inanimate object, but those of us who spend so much time face to face with the beeping, humming, clicking, blinking devices begin to assign human characteristics to them. Meanness and stubbornness are two adjectives that immediately come to mind for my machine. You might be able to add a few more descriptions into the mix, but I don't think I really need your feedback on that.

To highlight my point, this week has been especially frustrating. As a matter of fact, my computer hasn't let me into the Internet for six days. The problem began when I took my computer over to give a local business an on-site demonstration of the Internet (big mistake). Not only could I not get a "connection", but after three hours of trying at my own expense and conversing with at least three Internet experts and a telephone company specialist who were all stumped, I was politely asked to leave. What an embarrassment! To make matters even worse, by following the differing suggestions of each of the "experts", I got my computer programs so fouled up that it took me six days to get them working again. Let me say it wasn't their fault, but sometimes too many cooks can spoil the pot. Because I spent so much time in frustration and anger this week, I think it would be appropriate to offer helpful tips in how to deal with computer generated anger. Do's and don'ts so to speak.

First of all, be careful what you throw. Adrenalin reaches such a peak that a hurled computer disk becomes as deadly as a ninja's throwing star. Lock up all your firearms before working on your computer because shooting it is never advisable. Rather, take a deep breath, count to ten, unplug the computer, and after referring to the appropriate OSHA recommendations, use a large hammer on it. If you have too much money tied up in the machine, then acquire an older, cheaper machine to destroy in front of your good one. That's sure to make it more submissive in the future.

After the anger has had a chance to subside, you might ponder the following. Complexities aren't new to human beings. We live in a very detailed universe and even the workings of our own bodies are far beyond the comprehension of most. But one thing we have developed to cope with those types of complexities are superstitions and wives tails. To help us deal with what we can't figure out, do you suppose we'll end up with computer wive's tails? As an example, here's an old remedy for wart removal you might like to try for a computer virus. Rub half a lima bean on a computer with a virus and plant the other half under the north eave of the house under a full moon. Hey, if all else fails, it can't hurt. Give me your suggestions, too (mdpine@brutus.bright.net).

As a final point concerning the heightened frustration level experienced in today's speeding information age, I would like to appeal to your milk of human kindness. Should you see some poor soul with missing tufts of hair stumbling about and muttering things like "Winsocket error" or "Missing DNS" or other technological babble, be kind. It's probably just another "roadkill" from the information superhighway.

Now that I've vented my frustrations, boy, does that feel good! A special thanks to Jeremy and Tom White at Chillecothe Bright Net (614-772-8560). Bright Net provides local Internet access to the Circleville calling area of which I am a part. Other recognition this week goes to Richard Warren who spent several hours on the phone helping me out, Laura Hopstetter who also offered good suggestions, and Ken and Dave at Greenapple (614-653-9890) which provides access to the Lancaster calling area. These are all local business people who are doing an admirable job in bringing the future to our doorsteps and providing the help we need to gain understanding. Keep up the good work folks.

As soon as I was able to retrieve my E-mail (thanks to everybody who responded), there was a letter that really reached out and grabbed my attention. As a matter of fact, the idea that the writer forwarded was so good that I hesitated in sharing it, but for you entrepreneurs out there here it is. Beat me to it if you can:

"Someone may have done this already (and we're not ready for our own homepage yet), but it would be wonderful to have a "Gallery of Hocking County Caves", with a point and click reference for each of the sites, with color photos and text giving the history, geology, wildlife and plants. The crafts and antique shops could pool their money for a site for the tourist trade, and people in the hospitality business could really benefit from an inclusive reference guide. I've spent time for friends hunting down rental cabins in the local yellow pages."

This same writer asked about the Logan Jaycees page that was mentioned last week. They couldn't find it. I just looked and I can't find it now either. Did they discontinue it? Hey, Jaycees, let us know if your page is still out there and a current address. When you send me your ideas and suggestions (mdpine@brutus.bright.net), please note whether it's ok for me to use your name and E-mail address in this column. I would have liked to post this writer's name to give credit where credit is due.

In one of my upcoming columns, I hope to do a write up on some new software that can be installed in your computer that will block access to questionable sites on the Internet. We'll look at one of the leading products available . . . Cyber Patrol and Cyber Sentry (http://www.microsys.com/CYBER), as well as several others. Also I'd like to take a look at some of the new technology hitting the Web like VDO Live (real time movies), and Real Audio and where those sites can be found. For business/marketing types, we'll visit some neat sites like Guerilla Marketing.

Of Special Note:

On the day my first column came out last Monday, I also became a grandpa for the first time. The lad's name is Gabriel "Robert" Trask. As an objective member of the media I have to say that he's quite a good looking young fellow. Congratulations to Rick and Jessica Trask of Logan, OH.